Do I Want to Know?
by Kita the Spaz
Summary: Crack. Sometimes, Iruka wants to pretend he doesn't know Kakashi. This is one of those times.


Micah wanted a present for her birthday and asked me to write something on a prompt she provided. The prompt was "_a drunken Kakashi, an unimpressed Tsunade, an "if I just stay silent no one will remember he's my boyfriend" Iruka and a jutsu gone wrong!_"

So I present...

Title: Do I Want To Know?  
Author: kita_the_spaz  
Rating: R  
Summary: See prompt! So, yeah, more crack.  
Disclaimer: I don't own any of these characters. They wouldn't want me to!

* * *

Tsunade glared down her nose, looking distinctly unimpressed. Her arms were crossed and the fingers of one hand were beating a tempo on the bicep of the other. "I'm still waiting." Her voice was glacial, and even in the back of the crowd Iruka winced.

_I'm not getting him out of this one. I don't give a damn that he'll be pissy at me for a month, I am not getting on Tsunade's bad side over this. He's sleeping on the couch for a month anyway for this stunt._ Iruka made sure he was hidden from Tsunade's line of sight behind the much taller Ibiki, even though all of her attention was focused on the two in front of her.

Iruka blushed red and covered his eyes with his hand as he heard his lover's slurred voice say defiantly, "Ish not m' fault. Ish all hish fault."

"I didn't ask for whose fault it was, did I?" Tsunade said, still in that deadly 'I-am-not-amused' voice. "I asked what exactly you thought you were doing."

"Ish a compition-compitit-contesht!" Slurred the other culprit. "Shpirit o' yushfullnesh or shum crap like that."

"And…?" Tsunade's foot was starting to tap now, a very bad sign.

Iruka wondered if he became missing-nin if they would even bother sending the hunter-nin's after him. After all… after _this_… he wouldn't want to be found. He'd lie very, very low. Like underground, maybe.

He was brought out of his musings of life as a cavern-hermit by the sound of his lover's voice. "He'sh the one who schallenged me. Ish not like I could turn 'im down, y'know?"

"I seem to recall you having no trouble turning other challenges down with no problems whatsoever." Tsunade's voice had dropped a few more degrees. Even Ibiki flinched.

"But…" Kakashi sounded scandalized. "I couldn't do that, Shunade-baa-shan!"

"You called her Shunade-baa-shan?" Kakashi's partner in crime burst into laughter. "Do it 'gain! Lookit all the funny colorsh her facsh turnsh. Need to record thish moment for poshterity! Where did I leave my—"

Tsunade's eyes flared and suddenly she was as scary as Iruka had ever seen her. "That is _it!_ Until you two sober up, you get to stay that way. _Hell,_ I might just find a way to fix you two that way permanently. Just for all the fucking trouble you caused!"

"But…" Kakashi whined. He whined, _for Kami's sake_; whined like he was a four-year old. Iruka never wished so hard for the ground to open up and swallow him whole.

"But I'm not ushed to thish! An' m' backsh hurting." Kakashi's partner in crime didn't sound any more mature than the copy-nin did.

"Good." Tsunade's voice could have frozen a fireball jutsu in its tracks. "You two idiots deserve it."

"But yer a medic-nin."

"And I'm not wasting my chakra on the two of you. I have to save it for real emergencies, not use it to fix two morons who got stinking drunk, started boasting and then _mixed jutsus_ like the lack-witted idiots you are."

She stalked forward. "I will research what you two idiots did." Her voice was honey-coated venom. "After I get some rest, since I was woken up at _two in the bloody morning_ by two idiots who think with their other heads. When you two have sobered up and gotten over the lovely hangovers you're going to have (and _yes,_ you will have them), then—and only _then—_ you can come see me and I will see about undoing what you two brain-dead idiots did to yourselves." Tsunade's smile was evil and spiteful enough to make the entire crowd that had gathered around the two troublemakers blanch. "Until then, you get to stay exactly as you are and hope that others are as forgiving as I am."

She turned and her hazel eyes speared Iruka through the crowd. "Iruka-sensei, I recommend you take your personal idiot home before someone else does it for you."

"What 'bout me?"

Tsunade's smile was sharper than a shuriken. "I suggest you run."

Blushing as red as a sunset, Iruka reluctantly made his way through the gathered crowd until he was looking down at Kakashi. "Do I want to ask what you were doing to get this result?" He asked with resignation.

"Ruka! I misshed you lasht night! Why didn't you come drinkin' with ush?" The single uncovered eye was bright.

Iruka sighed and hoisted the inebriated copy-nin up. It was a lot harder than it should have been, what with the long tail of silver hair, tiny waist and breasts bigger than Tsunade's. "I can't believe you used that prank jutsu of Naruto's for this." Iruka scowled at his lover. "What the hell did you combine it with?"

"Dunno." Kakashi shrugged, staring down at his own breasts in fascination. "Hey, lookit 'em jiggle."

His partner in crime looked up. "I'm lookin,' I'm lookin.' Nice rack!" Jiraiya looked up at Iruka, grinning in spite of the nosebleed the sannin was trying to staunch with one hand. "Kashi-kun makesh a damned hot woman, don't he?"

"Yup!" The drunken Kakashi looked inordinately proud of himself (or was it herself?). "Meansh I win, Raiya. You pay up!"

Jiraiya, with breasts easily twice the size of Kakashi's and a narrow waist and flared hips, scrambled for a notebook. "I know, I know. One shpecial edition of the Icha Icha booksh, jusht fer you. How come you won? I make a prettier and more…" Jiraiya smoothed hands over the enormous breasts that stretched the sannin's tunic to the breaking point. "Voluptuous woman!"

Kakshi regarded him drunkenly, hanging onto Iruka's shoulder. "Nope. I win caush I'm gay. You do nothin' for me, old man."

As Jiraiya began to screech something about Kakashi cheating to win the competition, Kakashi slung an arm around Iruka's neck and groped him with the other hand. "Hey Ruka, wan t' go home and try it out fer size?"


End file.
